I've known for a long time that I needed to put this in writing. After 18 months, you would think that it would be an easy thing to talk about, but still I found myself last night in tears when trying to tell the story of my birth. A story that should be filled with joy and excitement, so then why am I still upset about it? Anyways, last night, after many months of begging from a friend, I decided to go to an iCan meeting. Now I have heard HORROR stories of what these women are like. I did not want to "drink the kool-aid" so to speak. Last night they were celebrating cesarean awareness month so it was like a typical therapy group. We went around and told our stories. I was in shock of how many of these women reminded me of myself! I related to so many of them, and they weren't all tree hugging, home birthing hippies like I had imagined. When it got to be my turn I could barely do it, so here we go. I'm going to finally make this official and hope I remember as much as I can....
Monday October 3 (40 +4 weeks)
I went in for my 40 week appointment. I knew what was going to happen, so I made Nate come with me. The doctor said we needed to set a time for induction. I asked for the following Monday, but she said I would be risking the life of my baby, so we decided on Thursday evening. I cried. The good news that reassured me was that my favorite OB was the one who would be at the hospital on Friday. It seemed meant to be. After all of the "research" I had done, I believed that my baby was to come on their own time. To pick their own birthday, but unfortunately that wasn't going to be the case.
Wednesday October 5 (40 +6 weeks)
Tonight was the last night Nate and I were going to be home alone. We decided to go celebrate and got in the old '77 Ford and went on a date. We laughed as we went off roading a bit and he tried to go over bumps trying to get my water to break. I was more worried about peeing my pants, but we had a great time. I remember having this thought while we were driving about how it would never be just me and him again. It choked me up. I started to mourn the loss of our little family of two that could do whatever we wanted when we wanted. It's such a strange feeling now looking back!
We went for pizza and ice cream and then went to a friends I believe. I refused to sit down, hoping gravity would help a bit. I remember thinking things were a little damp below, but not thinking much of it. After we got home I went to lay on the couch and Nate went to bed. Around midnight I stood up and felt a gush. I went to the bathroom but I couldn't be sure. This happened a few times and I woke Nate up around 2 and told him I was pretty sure my water was broke. He asked me what I wanted to do and I said nothing, so I went to bed and hoped for labor to start up.
Thursday October 6th (41 weeks)
Well rise and shine and still no signs of labor. Around 10am I decided I better call the OB. They wanted me to come in right away to be checked if it was a rupture or not. I called Nate and relayed the message, but took my time. I got in the shower, finished packing a bag and we stopped for lunch (Arbys) on our way. I knew they probably weren't going to let me eat. When we arrived I was lectured nicely about waiting 12+ hours before coming in. They did the swab and I started to second guess if it was fluid. Were they going to send me home only to come back in a few hours to start my induction? It just didn't seem right.
The test came back for amniotic fluid and I was happy that my body had done something right! It really gave me a sigh of relief that I wasn't just being induced because of a date. Now I probably would have waited a bit longer, but at the time 12 hours was my cut off for fear of infection since my body wasn't contracting at all. Shortly after, they placed the Cervidil to help jump start labor. After an hour or so I began to feel contractions begin. I think it was to be placed for three hours and after they were up I had dilated to a 2! I was so excited that my body was responding. After the pitocin started things started to get intense quite a bit faster. I started listening to my hypnobabies tracks and found I was most comfortable in a rocking chair. So I did most of my laboring there, besides a quick stint on the toilet.
Friday October 7th, 2011
And this is the part that things start to get a little foggy. Not because of drugs, because I wasn't taking them, but because it's just been that long! I remember having to get into bed for them to check me and to monitor me because I wasn't being a very good patient and laying in bed. I remember my waters released I want to say it was around 11 pm. When I was checked again and found to be at 7cm. I moved back to the rocking chair and some time later my hind waters released. Meconium of course all over the floor. I started to get nervous and started to get anxious. At around 7 am Dr. T, my fave, came in. I was stalled at an 8, even though an hour before the nurse had said I was a 9.5? I did feel pushy for awhile, but I'm thinking she just must have measured wrong. I refuse to dwell on the 'what ifs' with that, but we did call our parents after being told we were so close and had them head down. That must have been around 5 am. I was so in the zone and my hypnobabies was working so well, that I don't remember times at all. After Dr. T checked me she said she wanted to go right ahead with a c/s. I bargained for another hour and tried some different positions with the new amazing nurse E that had come in. Still nothing so at 8 am I put it all out there and asked if she would allow me to get an epidural to see if it would relax my cervix enough to dilate. She agreed and said she would give me 2 hours. Luckily, it worked! I made it to 10 cm and was ready to push. To make this as short as can be, I pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed. I was lucky enough and I guess pretty rare, that my legs worked fine with the epi. I had to practically kick a new nurse in the face to have her bring in a squat bar because she didn't believe me. I squatted for about 3 hours and the little babe just didn't want to budge. We did pull the hair out of me for her head though! Hahaha
At about 4:00pm on Friday the 7th we consented to a c/s. I felt good with my decision and felt like I had exercised everything that I could have to get to this last resort. Nate was a trooper and looked so cute in his scrubs. I hate that I don't have any pictures of that. The surgical team agreed to allowing Nate to cut the cord and announce the sex. Let me tell you THE MOST AMAZING MOMENT EVER is hearing your husband introduce you to your baby. Gives me goosebumps every time. Unfortunately, because of the meconium and 40+ hours of rupture they whisked K away to a NICU team without even showing me her. I don't remember her making any noise for a few minutes, even though my surgical report says differently. I was balling and my arms were still strapped down to the table. I had an amazing anesthesiologist that kept wiping my tears. He was such a nice man. They sent Nate and K up to the room while they sowed me up and my body started to shake uncontrollably. I guess this is normal when baby and mom are separated and the reassured me that as soon as she was on my chest it would stop...which it did. I think that is such a cool unexplained connection.
She didn't want to latch and we used a shield and worked really hard and were able to figure it out. I think as far as c/s go. Mine was pretty good. I do long for this next birth to be able to hold my baby right away and to be able have that skin to skin contact that is so important with newborns. Stay with me as I try and go through this VBAC journey!
Monday October 3 (40 +4 weeks)
I went in for my 40 week appointment. I knew what was going to happen, so I made Nate come with me. The doctor said we needed to set a time for induction. I asked for the following Monday, but she said I would be risking the life of my baby, so we decided on Thursday evening. I cried. The good news that reassured me was that my favorite OB was the one who would be at the hospital on Friday. It seemed meant to be. After all of the "research" I had done, I believed that my baby was to come on their own time. To pick their own birthday, but unfortunately that wasn't going to be the case.
Wednesday October 5 (40 +6 weeks)
Tonight was the last night Nate and I were going to be home alone. We decided to go celebrate and got in the old '77 Ford and went on a date. We laughed as we went off roading a bit and he tried to go over bumps trying to get my water to break. I was more worried about peeing my pants, but we had a great time. I remember having this thought while we were driving about how it would never be just me and him again. It choked me up. I started to mourn the loss of our little family of two that could do whatever we wanted when we wanted. It's such a strange feeling now looking back!
We went for pizza and ice cream and then went to a friends I believe. I refused to sit down, hoping gravity would help a bit. I remember thinking things were a little damp below, but not thinking much of it. After we got home I went to lay on the couch and Nate went to bed. Around midnight I stood up and felt a gush. I went to the bathroom but I couldn't be sure. This happened a few times and I woke Nate up around 2 and told him I was pretty sure my water was broke. He asked me what I wanted to do and I said nothing, so I went to bed and hoped for labor to start up.
Thursday October 6th (41 weeks)
Well rise and shine and still no signs of labor. Around 10am I decided I better call the OB. They wanted me to come in right away to be checked if it was a rupture or not. I called Nate and relayed the message, but took my time. I got in the shower, finished packing a bag and we stopped for lunch (Arbys) on our way. I knew they probably weren't going to let me eat. When we arrived I was lectured nicely about waiting 12+ hours before coming in. They did the swab and I started to second guess if it was fluid. Were they going to send me home only to come back in a few hours to start my induction? It just didn't seem right.
The test came back for amniotic fluid and I was happy that my body had done something right! It really gave me a sigh of relief that I wasn't just being induced because of a date. Now I probably would have waited a bit longer, but at the time 12 hours was my cut off for fear of infection since my body wasn't contracting at all. Shortly after, they placed the Cervidil to help jump start labor. After an hour or so I began to feel contractions begin. I think it was to be placed for three hours and after they were up I had dilated to a 2! I was so excited that my body was responding. After the pitocin started things started to get intense quite a bit faster. I started listening to my hypnobabies tracks and found I was most comfortable in a rocking chair. So I did most of my laboring there, besides a quick stint on the toilet.
Friday October 7th, 2011
And this is the part that things start to get a little foggy. Not because of drugs, because I wasn't taking them, but because it's just been that long! I remember having to get into bed for them to check me and to monitor me because I wasn't being a very good patient and laying in bed. I remember my waters released I want to say it was around 11 pm. When I was checked again and found to be at 7cm. I moved back to the rocking chair and some time later my hind waters released. Meconium of course all over the floor. I started to get nervous and started to get anxious. At around 7 am Dr. T, my fave, came in. I was stalled at an 8, even though an hour before the nurse had said I was a 9.5? I did feel pushy for awhile, but I'm thinking she just must have measured wrong. I refuse to dwell on the 'what ifs' with that, but we did call our parents after being told we were so close and had them head down. That must have been around 5 am. I was so in the zone and my hypnobabies was working so well, that I don't remember times at all. After Dr. T checked me she said she wanted to go right ahead with a c/s. I bargained for another hour and tried some different positions with the new amazing nurse E that had come in. Still nothing so at 8 am I put it all out there and asked if she would allow me to get an epidural to see if it would relax my cervix enough to dilate. She agreed and said she would give me 2 hours. Luckily, it worked! I made it to 10 cm and was ready to push. To make this as short as can be, I pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed. I was lucky enough and I guess pretty rare, that my legs worked fine with the epi. I had to practically kick a new nurse in the face to have her bring in a squat bar because she didn't believe me. I squatted for about 3 hours and the little babe just didn't want to budge. We did pull the hair out of me for her head though! Hahaha
At about 4:00pm on Friday the 7th we consented to a c/s. I felt good with my decision and felt like I had exercised everything that I could have to get to this last resort. Nate was a trooper and looked so cute in his scrubs. I hate that I don't have any pictures of that. The surgical team agreed to allowing Nate to cut the cord and announce the sex. Let me tell you THE MOST AMAZING MOMENT EVER is hearing your husband introduce you to your baby. Gives me goosebumps every time. Unfortunately, because of the meconium and 40+ hours of rupture they whisked K away to a NICU team without even showing me her. I don't remember her making any noise for a few minutes, even though my surgical report says differently. I was balling and my arms were still strapped down to the table. I had an amazing anesthesiologist that kept wiping my tears. He was such a nice man. They sent Nate and K up to the room while they sowed me up and my body started to shake uncontrollably. I guess this is normal when baby and mom are separated and the reassured me that as soon as she was on my chest it would stop...which it did. I think that is such a cool unexplained connection.
She didn't want to latch and we used a shield and worked really hard and were able to figure it out. I think as far as c/s go. Mine was pretty good. I do long for this next birth to be able to hold my baby right away and to be able have that skin to skin contact that is so important with newborns. Stay with me as I try and go through this VBAC journey!
Before I even met my sweet girl.
Baby love at its finest
what a beautiful story. thank you for sharing it.
ReplyDeleteYour family will be in my thoughts and prayers as you continue your VBAC journey.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read it!
DeleteI had the same thoughts of ICAN women and it stopped me from going for a long time. I'm really glad I finally did though! My son was taken away from me too and I shook like crazy also. I was able to have a vbac last October with a 9.5 lb baby. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteHolly I'm so happy for you! People like you with your stories are a huge inspiration to me! Thanks for sharing!
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